


To Give Others Different Personas (and keep the real me for yourself)

by ketomax



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Panic Attacks, Waiting, surprise return
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 13:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14671650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ketomax/pseuds/ketomax
Summary: Seunghyun struggles to cope with the last few weeks of his service and thinks he's hit the wall. However, he receives a surprise but welcome message when he returns home that evening.Will eventually become friends to lovers... I hope.





	To Give Others Different Personas (and keep the real me for yourself)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at writing GTOP, so please forgive me for any spelling errors as this is entirely unbeta'd. It reads a little like stream-of-conciousness so don't get mad at me! If this is well received, I'll do a follow up. Thanks guys, kudos much appreciated :3

Pencil pushing bureaucracy. It never suited Seunghyun as a student, and even less so as a grown adult. A brave face was almost unbearable to wear at this point as he watched the clock; its minute hand moved slower and slower with each tick of the red second hand or at the very least, it _seemed_ to the more he stared at it. With a heavy sigh, he tore his eyes away from it and stared at the paperwork in front of him. Seunghyun tried to remain studious and fulfil his duties but as the hours drew on and his pile seemed to increase, he eventually sat back for a breather to try and collect himself.

 

His uniform strangled him, ripped the soul of his persona abruptly from his body and pressed him into the mould of just _a somebody_. A somebody that he wasn’t sure he could bounce back from- this wasn’t him. He hadn’t been _just Seunghyun Choi_ for a long time now. It was hard to pretend to be someone (and something) he just wasn’t. Two years -and possibly more at this point- felt like torture.

 

The media had yet to truly vindicate him; he wondered if it was perhaps just something he would have to live with- being the bad boy of the group. He couldn’t imagine Dongbae or Daesung doing anything like getting busted for _overdosing on pills_ , but this job had driven him to it. It was just too much to be so mediocre. He had to cope somehow and his usual vice was out of his reach; so like an idiot he’d turned to something more immediate, and destructive.

 

Seunghyun closed his eyes and saw flashes of vibrant reds, chilling blues, the calming purples and gallant greens and there was nothing in the world he wanted more than to be back in that zone, back where he felt Alive and Free. Where the world was alright again, where he was free from his worries and he could just be himself. It wasn’t much longer, really. A few weeks left of this torture was all he had to endure but at this solid cement of a pace, it felt like an eternity.

 

And with his eyes closed and filled with a bright world of colour, his mind drifted to those friends, those colours who gave his life so much meaning. It was Jiyong that came to mind at first, and he felt himself smile even in what felt like his darkest moment. He wanted to see him in the flesh, in front of him, something he could confirm was real and not just a figment of his anxious, stressed out mind. Seunghyun let out the breath he didn’t even realise he was holding as he felt his lungs burn for fresh air, and he stood up accompanied by a grating screech as the chair skidded unceremoniously backwards across the tiled floor from his sudden movement. Seunghyun had decided he had to take a break before he went mad. He had to get out of these four walls that encased him like a wild dog that threatened to bite, and he _had_ bitten before.

 

He could feel his pulse race and grabbed at his jacket, fingers spasming as he ran to the back of the police department his feet entirely on autopilot. Papers flew past Seunghyun as he brushed past several of his colleagues, feeling that panic almost overwhelm him. His hands slipped on the wall that he’d reached out to grab in order to swing him around the corner and he skidded further than he had intended. The back door was open and the cool air from outside hit his heated cheeks, and the clatter of the metal rim of his hat onto the tiled floor rang loudly in his ears bringing him back to the present.

 

“… _fuck._ ”

 

The present in question was the great Seunghyun standing in front of the open back door, jacket partially ripped open, hat discarded on the floor, feeling like a complete and utter fool. Panic was not something he was familiar with but he knew how the outcome made him feel- like a jackass that had just been pants-dropped in the playground. He breathed like a drowned man pulled ashore- great gulps of air that filled his lungs and gave him a high (and boy did he know what that felt like) and he slumped against the wall trying to control his trembling hands. Soon enough he felt dizzy and slowed his breathing down trying to get himself back in gear. He was better than that, better than all of this- and here he was entirely alone. His co-workers were just that- they were not his friends and they certainly didn’t care for him like his friends did. Seunghyun finally pulled himself together, apologised to the workers who were picking up the papers he’d sent flying in his mercy dash for the fresh air, and headed back to the tiny four walls he called his office.

 

“ _Pull yourself together, Seunghyun. You're on the home straight now._ ”

 

Two more weeks, he thought. He could do that, right? Two more weeks and then he’d be free; he could come and go as he pleased, and Dongbae, Daesung, little Seunghyun, and Jiyong would be there. At that point, he knew he would be home too, where he belonged.

 

\---

 

The journey home was symbolic in a way, the rain pouring down from the cracked heavens drowning his sorrows. Cars went past splashing his feet and trouser bottoms with water, their honks jarring him from his own mundane thoughts. It was fitting in a way, to have gone from such lofty heights to walking home in the rain to save sitting in traffic. Thankfully, indoors was closer than he thought and the satisfying sound of his bag hitting the floor finally let his guard down. A deep breath followed and he slipped his shoes off, hung his hat and jacket up, and Seunghyun sat down on the sofa to reflect on the day.

 

“ _Thank fuck that’s done. What a nightmare… but it’s almost done now. Almost done… huh?_ ”

 

Did he leave the juice on the coffee table? Seunghyun stared at the carton, bemused as he pondered its reason for being there. Was he in that much of a rush this morning? Did he genuinely forget to put it away? It was too much of a hard day to be questioning his sanity, Seunghyun thought and sighed again, really really not wanting to get up and put it away. His tired brain was trying to rationalise leaving it there, with ‘it had been out all day, what’s the harm in leaving it out a little longer?’ but his compulsivity to keep the place looking tidy won out. Rising from his seat, he deftly picked up the carton noticing off-handed that it was still fairly cool to the touch.

 

That wasn’t right. He’d been working for eight hours, it should have been room temperature at the very least. Seunghyun headed to the kitchen to see if someone had broken in but the kitchen window was shut as it was this morning and there had been no sign of a break in. There were coffee grounds spilt over the worktop and with each thing out of place, he felt his pulse pound in his ears as he tried to hold back the oncoming tide that was panic rearing its ugly head. It seemed even the fridge itself wasn’t spared from this seemingly random rampage, and he moved to observe the fridge magnets.

Said fridge magnets had been vandalised to read “누군지 맞춰봐요”.

 

“ _Guess… who?_ ”

 

What the hell was that supposed to mean, guess who? Guess who what? Who ruined his perfectly good juice and decided to paint his countertop with instant coffee grounds? Seunghyun had so many questions and he shook his head, trying to piece together the clues his fridge magnet bandit had left.

 

“ _Son of a bitch, you’re here aren’t you? You’re back._ ”

 

Seunghyun felt himself break out into a smile towards the end of the sentence, feeling his spirit lift and his panic subside as he left the juice alone on the countertop amidst the coffee and he went to the study where he found a rather smug looking Jiyong spinning around on his office chair.

 

It felt surreal. Jiyong wasn’t supposed to be back for a month at the very least… but here he was, spinning around without a care in the world as if his presence in Seunghyun’s flat was totally normal. He reached out to touch his head, just to see if he was real and hoping very much so that his panic attack hadn’t secretly killed him earlier.

 

“Don’t touch what you can’t afford, Seung,” Jiyong quipped and poked his tongue out as he span around again keeping away from his hand with a wide grin.

Seunghyun snorted, he didn’t need to touch him to know that he was real. Only the real Jiyong could be that abrasive and yet so welcoming. “Aren’t you just a sight for sore eyes huh? You’re back early? What’s the deal?” He needed answers. His mouth had gone dry and he began to tremble a little feeling that panic- wait… no. Not panic, relief. This time it was relief. The relief was subsiding and he had accepted this was real.

 

Jiyong paused his spinning for a few minutes and put his feet up on his desk, winking. “Got ratted out didn’t I, active duty squad got recalled and well, it was so close to the end of service they just let us all go early save the fuss of sorting out another sortie.” He seemed satisfied with the explanation he’d given and given him some finger guns for good measure. “So the G-Dragon is back for good, baby.”

 

Of course, he got lucky, he thought to himself. Jiyong was nothing short of lucky in the extreme, but he was thankful for it right now and he pulled his best friend into a tight hug, not wanting to let him go for fear he would leave again. “Don’t you ever fucking go again, yeah?” Seunghyun joked, a wide smile on his face as he pulled back ruffling Jiyong’s short hair; the army cut really didn’t suit him at all. At least being a police officer he could have his slightly longer, but he still missed being unique.

 

“I don’t plan to, believe me,” Jiyong winked and batted his hand away from his hair. “Hey, what did I say, don’t touch the goods you can’t afford!”

 

All Seyunghyun could do was laugh, and for the first time in a long time, it felt damn good.

**Author's Note:**

> Did anyone notice the title caps contain the letters T.O.P and GD? ;)


End file.
